When did this happen?

Every once in a while you get a reminder of how much time has past in your life. While this site was founded on that notion, it is not really something I have stopped and dwelled upon. Sure I have talked about the advent of technological changes here and how they have affected me but that is as far as it has gone. That’s the thing about getting older, while externally things change with you, the same cannot be always being said internally. I have pretty much felt the same as I always have for least about the last twenty years and not thought too much about it. I got a reminder of how old I actually am this week or at least where I could be at this age in life and am not. To say I am dumbfounded by it is an understatement.

As discussed here on occasion, I am currently jobless. There is no need to go over that again, suffice it to say I screwed up and didn’t evolve the new skills I needed to stay employed or to find a better job. My fault really, I blame no one. Since I am without work and on unemployment, I have been made eligible for funds to help me get out of this situation and I have taken advantage of these to get some schooling. As much fun as writing this blog has been at times, I want to go back to work. As you can tell by the recent output of writing on this blog, it has seemed more like a job than fun lately. Time spent writing for a grand total of 10 or 15 people isn’t very rewarding especially if there is no pay or much feedback. I appreciate everyone who comes to take a look and those who do comment but to paraphrase the song I heard this morning by the Boss “I’m sick of sitting around here trying to write this blog.”

My time that had been spent on the blog is now being taken up learning HTML or Flash so I can actually get a job. While Flash has been fun to learn, HTML has not. I’m not sure I want to do either for a living but since my gig as a Designer for the print medium is obsolete I must do something to earn a living. I can’t live off savings and the government forever. I am not even sure I ever really wanted to be Graphic Designer; it is just where I ended up since I liked comics and was told by the parents “this is what you will be doing.” Hey, they were paying for college, I argued but didn’t have a better plan. Actually I did, I was supposed to get my degree in Graphic Design like they wanted and then get a job. I could pay for my additional schooling myself at the Kubert School so I could learn to be a comic book artist and work for DC or Marvel. We see how well that played out, talent and money were lacking and perhaps some drive to actually do that.

I am getting sidetracked. I started school in earnest last week and as I said began learning Flash. It was fun and easier than I thought. I was able to build a flash file that although primitive was cool enough for me to want to try to upload it for fun on Analog. I really just wanted to see if it were possible. The teacher for my class was a relatively attractive woman and was pleasant enough and very helpful. I actually thought I was signing up for a different teacher that I had before and was surprised to find out that it wasn’t the teacher I thought. I was a pleasant surprise since I found I liked her better and it didn’t hurt that I found her attractive. For a change, she was actually my age and not way too young for me like that last few have been. (Shut up KK times 2, both of you). 

I decided to stay after class and ask for her help in uploading the file to Analog. She was willing to help. After I walked her through what little I have learned about the squarespace software interface, we spent the next 20 minutes or so hacking out how to do this. After some trial and error, we were able to load the Flash file to the site and get it to run. This was mostly her doing. After the task was completed, we chatted a bit about my site and my current status. She especially thought the logo of the typewriter was cool. She remarked that she liked the layout and design and was amused by the “Still Analog” name. “I would have never guessed that about you, I thought you were a tech guy, Mike” To which I replied, “Nope, I’m pretty stupid.” (Real smooth dumbass, no wonder you are still single). What can I say? “I am the rusty typewriter.” She assured me I was not as dumb as I think, but as you can see by last line to her that it is debatable. I am Mr. Analog and at times just plain hopeless.

After we were done, and she went on to help someone else in the class, I realized that the Flash was on the exterior of the blog and would probably drive viewers crazy. I didn’t want that since I have few readers as it is and didn’t want to drive them off. I attempted to use the summary function of the site to hide the flash file inside an entry. Of course this jacked the whole thing up so it wouldn’t run. I embarrassedly admitted this to her but told her it was okay since I had taken up too much of her time already and called it a day. It was pleasant talking and working with her, and looked forward to seeing her in next week’s class. I told friends this story and made a mental note “check her hand for a wedding ring next time”

I arrived at her class early and when she came in I tried to spot if she had a ring. I could see a ring but couldn’t tell if it was costume jewelry or the real deal. I waved Hello from the back of the class and she smiled in returned. She then went on to discuss working with someone in class at a job that they both had years ago. As the discussion went on, children were discussed, and she said she had a child living outside of Chicago. She said she couldn’t believe that she had a child that was old enough to be living by itself in Chicago. The much older lady she was talking to mentioned how she couldn’t believe she had grandkids and the teacher agreed and seemed to imply she also had a grandchild. The teacher then mentioned her age. We were the same age of 44.

Okay, this was unbelievable to me. I realize that people have kids and that they reproduce and eventually have kids but that was something that happened when you were old. Yes, this logic is faulty, I know. I have realized for quite some time now that I should have already been married and had a kid by now. I’ve come to terms with this. However, it had never even crossed by my mind that I could have a grandkid by now. I have barely mastered the art of the third grade crush. You know where “you hit the girl you like to show her how much you like her.” Not politically correct anymore I know but that’s the way we did it back in the 1970’s. It seemed a normal logical phase (one I’ve out grown) you went though to get ready for hand holding and kissing and such. If you did that now you would probably be thrown out of grade school and registered as a sex offender.

So again this threw me for a loop, she came to the back of class to ask me about whether I got my Flash file to work on my site after this. I had to embarrassedly admit I hadn’t worked on it. Which she said “No pressure” while I noticed the big honking wedding ring and engagement ring she had on her hand that I missed seeing last week. Okay, Boundary up. I respect boundaries, End of infatuation, So much for that.

I was left to question, “When the hell did this happen?” “When the hell did I get so old that I am now looking at grandmothers as possible mates?” I know, nothing is wrong with that but please save all the age is a just a number comments, I get it. Really I do. It’s just that I’m mentally working this out here in this blog. Now things happen like me driving in the school parking lot this morning and “Dancing in the Dark” comes on the radio. I immediately think of us being introduced to young Courteney Cox as the girl who dances with Bruce at end of the video. I remember watching the awful “Misfits of Science” just because the girl from the Springsteen video was in it. Then I recall that we really learned her name on Friends, I always thought she was way hotter than Jennifer Aniston and never got why guys were so enamored with her over Courteney. As I parked my car, the realization dawns on me as the song plays on that her current gig is a show called “Cougartown”. Seriously WTF? Courteney Cox is a cougar now? When did we both get so old? I am sure she is as baffled by this as I am. Grandkids? I could have grandkids? WTF? I want to go back to bed. Maybe I am old.